Haunting Stuff

If you have 10 minutes to read (and cry quietly at your desk), I cannot recommend reading this enough.

Get Your B!@%# A$$ Back in the Kitchen, and Make Me Some Pie!

Gotta love those fundamentalists.

A private school in Kansas has barred female officials from refereeing boys sporting events on the premise that females cannot have authority over males.

Unless the school has an all-male faculty, how long will it be until one of the students goes straight Cartman on his English teacher?

Has Kansas finally supplanted Florida as the national leader is off-beat news?

New Year's Resolutions: 1 Month Later

Here's how I'm doing so far, in descending order of success:

Contribute $20 each month to a worthy, off-beat charity (See, moustache, Baraka). On track. See below.

• January: Hire Heros USA - Not-for-profit providing career placement assistance to wounded vets.
  

Get Master's Degree. Doing fine. Three classes into my final course. On track to finish in May.

Pay off all credit cards and truck. Doing very well. Thanks to tax returns, bonuses (and Grandma), 80% of my credit card debt is payed off (despite buying a beautiful 52" Samsung LCD). I should ice this one by the end of March.

Lose 30 pounds. Going OK. Down 7.5 lbs after a shockingly bad January 1 weigh in.

Live on a 60-10-10-10-10 budget. Not there yet. Right now I'm around 75-0-3-16-6. Once I get rid of credit card and truck payments and refinance the condo I should be home. I'm thinking April or so.

Get new, awesome, job. Not going so well. I got a nice raise, making my current job somewhat more awesome. Plenty of work to do here.

Break into the top 10 Google results for "Zach Fletcher", "Zachary Fletcher", or "Big Ern". No luck yet. I was on the front page for "Big Ern" during football season, but have fallen off.

Write the computer code for the project I've been mulling for the last few years. Have done zilch. This may be replaced with another project I'm working on with my fellow villagers.

Create (and use) at least 2 of Digg, Technorati, etc.
Done zilch. Need to get off my ass. This one should be easy.

Become more active. Be able to complete 1 full week (7 days in a row) of CrossFit workouts. Again, very little done. Will (re-)join a gym in February. I may even go to it and work out.

Crush Elroy, ACom, and Electronic Vagrant in Villager page views. Not going well at all. Elroy's Don & Mike post is an unstoppable juggernaut. I refuse to link to it. Need to get on the ball here.

Remodel bathrooms. Haven't done anything yet. Once the fiscal projects are done, I can get into this.

Acquire at least 1 useful skill. Think carpentry or .NET design. Done nada. The year is young.

Past posts:
January

Nice Drum Solo, Mr. Furher

Listening to Don & Mike last night I heard the lovely folks from Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church will protest at Heath Ledger’s funeral (guess why). Bile rising, I wondered: “Is there anything I could agree with him on? Other than the value of a good comb over and (possibly) simple arithmatic?

The next, (hopefully) more interesting question: If you could sit down and have a conversation with some of history’s great monsters, are there topics on which you could reach a meeting of the minds? Did Stalin like baseball? Could Pol Pot extemporize on economics? Given the opportunity, would Hitler throw down on Guitar Hero [Insert “99 Red Balloons” or “This rock will last 1,000 years!” joke here).

The best Wikipedia reference posted in the comments by Friday, February 1 will receive $3 from me via Paypal. Entries along the lines of “we both like expensive cars” or “I wish I had a harem” will be read with interest, but probably not rewarded. References to obscure, especially nasty fellows will receive extra points in my (entirely arbitrary) rating system.

Alternate post title: "God is the Toughest Movie Critic of All"

Flat Tax Retort

It is basically a huge scam. Strangely, it's only virtue (simplicity) makes it even easier to identify as a scam.

Situation 1: You make $25,000 per year. Your effective income tax is about 10%. You lose another 10% to other withholding (state taxes, medicare, Social Security etc). So, you save ~$2,500 per year. Because you are a poor scum bag, effectively all this money is spent buying things.

• Old way: $25k - $2.5k in taxes - $2.5k in other witholding - $5k in rent/mortgage = $15k buying power for the year.
• New way: $25k - $0 in taxes - $2.5k in other witholding - $5k in rent/mortgage = $17.5k buying power. However, everything you buy now costs your 30% more. So your $17.5k only buys $13.4k of pre-flat tax goods.
  

Situation 2: You make $75,000 per year. Your effective income tax is about 20%. You lose another 10% to other witholding. You're a not-so-poor working stiff so maybe you save 10% of your income.

• Old way: $75k - $15k in taxes - $7.5k in other witholding - $15k in rent/mortgage - 7.5k in savings = $30k buying power.
• New way: $75k - $0 in taxes - $7.5k in other witholding - $15k in rent/mortgage - 7.5k in savings = $45k buying power ($34.6k adjusted)
  

Situation 3: You make $225,000 per year. Your effective income tax is about 27%. You lose another 10% to other witholding. You're doing rather well and can put away 20% of your income.

• Old way: $225k - $60k in taxes - $25k in other witholding - $25k in rent/mortgage - $45k in savings = $75k buying power.
• New way: $225k - $0 in taxes - $25k in other witholding - $25k in rent/mortgage - $45k in savings = $130k buying power ($100k adjusted).
  

These are clearly estimated numbers and they may have some fundamental problems. However, the things I've ignored make the flat tax an even dumber idea for low- and middle-class humps. For example, deductions for children, mortage interest, or higher education can greatly reduce income tax on the middle class and virtually eliminate it for the lower class.

I've also ignored the fact that if I'm making $225,000 per year, I'm going to buy my Porsche/racing sloop/walk-in humidor in another country or online. So there are plenty of ways of avoiding the new tax burden.

So, at a glance we see that the poor guy gets rogered (10% less buying power), the middle class guy does OK if he's smart enough to save some money (15% more power), and the rich guy makes out like a bandit (33% more buying power). 'Twas ever thus.

Fortunately for the proponents of this plan, poor people can't do teh maths, so they'll probably jump in with both feet.

What else did I miss?

*Updated to correct typos/errors.

What Does the "Make My Profile Private" Button Do?

Though reluctant to link to anything on Fox News, a high-school stundent co-ed young professional woman small-town mayor drawing ire for risque photos on her MySpace page is too good to resist:

"It's a picture of her [Mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist] in bra and panties on a rural protection fire truck in a rural protection fire hall," Woods said. "This isn't the way we want our city to be portrayed."

I'm holding out for the Ruth Bader Ginsburg swimsuit calendar.

Link

2008 Resolutions

Happy 2008 dedicated readers! I hope you both got everything you wanted for Christmas, and are striding into '08 happy, healthy, and inexplicably curious about our mundane doings.


As this blog is mainly about self-improvement, vanity, and the public airing of our private business, my resolutions for the New Year:

• Lose 30 pounds.
  
• Get new, awesome, job.
  
• Break into the top 10 Google results for "Zach Fletcher", "Zachary Fletcher", or "Big Ern"
• Get Master's Degree.
  
• Pay off all credit cards and truck.
• Live on a 60-10-10-10-10 budget.
  
• Write the computer code for the project I've been mulling for the last few years.
  
• Create (and use) at least 2 of Digg, Technorati, etc.
• Become more active. Be able to complete 1 full week (7 days in a row) of CrossFit workouts.
• Contribute $20 each month to a worthy, off-beat charity. (See, moustache, Baraka)
• Crush Elroy, ACom, and Electronic Vagrant in Villager page views.
• Remodel bathrooms.
• Acquire at least 1 useful skill. Think carpentry or .NET design.
  

I will be setting targets/measures of success for each resolution later this week. I will post updates on/about the first of each month. If other, not-so-new resolutions occur to me, I may add them.

Elroy, ACOM, EV, what will you be doing better this year?

*Fixed date to un-bury post.

Fail!

Do you crave entertainment but find yourself too lazy (or too good a person) to track down the "right" version of 2 Girls 1 Cup?

Try typing "fail" into Google Image Search.

Stolen from Neatorama.

Newest Episode of the The Wire Available Now

If you're like me, this is the best news since, well, anything...

Thanks to HBO's curious handling of The Wire, the first episode of Season 5 is available now (and has been all week) on On Demand. I've been saving it all week for my Friday dinner viewing pleasure.

McNulty's drinking again.

Get Sick, Have Insurance, Die Anyways

The next time your hear someone bloviating on the evils of socialized/government/single payer/universal health care, print a copy of this story, wrap it 'round a brick, and throw it at their head.

Doctors at UCLA determined she needed a transplant and sent a letter to CIGNA Healthcare on December 11. The Philadelphia-based health insurance company denied payment for the transplant.

Michael Moore may be frequently obnoxious (and always fat), but with a 65% chance of survival in Paris or London (or Havana), and a 0% chance of survival in California (despite having insurance), where would Mr. Sarkisyan have been better off raising his children?

Greatest health care system in the world, my ass.

YouTube Link

Stupid is as Stupid Reads

Guess which screen shot is of CNN's U.S. Edition and which is their International Edition.

Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:


If you picked Exhibit A as the CNN international Edition you are correct. If you picked Exhibit A as the CNN U.S. Edition, well, you've probably spent too much reading CNN U.S. Edition. And become retarded.

Big Ern's Totally Scientific Breakdown:
U.S. Page: 29 items, 22 of which are sensational, prurient, or otherwise dumb. The number is that low only becuase I get excited for I am Legend, and iPod Accessories. I also gave the benefit of doubt to the Time quotes, and the CNN Wire, yielding a domestic mongoloid index of 0.76.

International Page: 22 items, only 10 of which stink. International mongoloid index: 0.45.

Popular U.S. News Topics: Steroids, dog fighting, murder, promiscuity, and the antics of primates. (Technically, all of these could be filed under the antics of primates.)

Popular International News Topics: Global warming, international diplomacy, terrorism, and cloned cats (apparently these are a hit everywhere).

The Moral Lesson Herein:
Live in the U.S and want to become famous? Shoot up a dog with steroids then make it fight a gorilla. Consider copulating with the winner and killing the loser.

Live elsewhere and want to become famous? Speak up on global warming or broker a peace between contentious parties. Or make glowing cat clones.

Maybe folks are dumb all over.

Incredibly Involved Reviews of Bic Ballpoints

Every so often the dark fecund morass that is the internet flings forth one of these strange, beautiful flowers: 23 people have posted reviews, some of them incredibly detailed, of the plain bic ballpoint pen.

I just couldn't contain my excitement and went around finding things to write on, like the shopping list on the notice board in our kitchen, the Post-it notes next to the phone, and on my favourite lined A4 pad at the side of my desk.

Link

Big Ern's "Angry Disbelief at Not Making the Fantasy Football Playoffs" Locks of the Week

Less political snark, more correct picks...

• Giants +3 at Eagles
• Texans +3 vs. Bucs
• Patriots -10.5 vs. Steelers

Last week: 0-3
This year: 17-14-4

Big Ern's "If They Were Musk, They'd Be High Karate" Locks of the Week

If Giuliani followed Locks of the Week, he'd be able to afford a real dog walker. Better luck next time.

This week's picks (we'll jump back on the New England train next week):

• Cleveland (-1) at Arizona


• Chicago (+2) over New York


• Houston (+4) at Tennessee

Last week: 2-1
This year: 17-11-4

Maybe Judge Judy Will Tell Him How to Get His Kids Back, Too?

I think this captures (as the Onion so often does) several problems and rolls them into a delicious nougaty ball of snark:

Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House

All Your Data Are Belong to Us

With the Google Drive just around the corner, and 5 GB (and counting) of storage space available for your google/gmail account, I had a horridly wonderful thought this morning:

"Wait a minute, I have 5 gmail accounts (mostly for failed yet-to-succeed business ventures). That's 25GB (and counting). What if I had 500?"

It would be unweildy without a piece of middleware to manage log-ins, passwords, and bin-packing, but none of these should be terribly difficult to address.

For a goober with 1TB (again, and counting) of DVD-rips, ahem, back-ups, this seems like a great alternative to purchasing and maintaining an array of up-to-date back-up drives at home. (Or weeping inconsolably after losing all your episodes of My So-Called Life).

Nate, this sounds like a job for Greasemonkey, correct?

Big Ern's "Increasingly Sporadic" Locks of the Week

2 of these 3 have to cover.

This week's picks:

• Dolpins (+16) at Steelers
• Eagles (+25) at Patriots
• Bills (+9.5) at Jaguars

Last week: 0-2-1
This year: 15-10-4

Note: the following teams have been banned from locks of the week in any capacity: Detroit Lions and Denver Broncos. More to come...

Money, 'Stache, Hoes

Movember the 22nd

Three weeks without a decent shave have left me on the wrong side of sleazy. And so, befitting of a man that looks as if he belongs at a greyhound track, I offer up the following gambling propositions. Perhaps some of them can be addressed by Zach's locks of the week.

Odds of successfully making a new female acquaintance this month - 10:1

Odds of the moustache adversely affecting my year-end review (scheduled for next Wednesday) - 2:1

Over-under on the number of drinks my grandfather will have at Thanksgiving before feeling free to tell me I look like an asshole - 6

Over-under on the number of times I hear the phrase, "That looks disgusting" between now and the end of the month - 12


All praise be to Gamblore.

-Mike

[Insert Name Here] and the Lords of the Underworld

The list of bonus tracks for Rock Band has been released. My internal monologue while scanning:

Who are these people... I don't know any of these songs... Wait, what was
that!? OMFG they have Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld! OMMFG, how will the singing along work?! This will produce the BEST YouTube videos ever! Yes!
YES!!!

I can't wait.

Big Ern's "Nobody's Perfect,Especially Those Refs in Indianapolis Last Week" Locks of the Week

Well, it was a good run. A run we'd still we'd still be on if Ellis Hobbs could have avoided interfering with Reggie Wayne. By getting tackled by him.

This week's picks:

• Buffalo (-3) at Miami
• Redskins (-3) vs. Philadelphia
• Detriot (Pick 'em) at Arizona
  

Last week: 2-1
This year: 15-8-3