Money, 'Stache, Hoes

Movember the 22nd

Three weeks without a decent shave have left me on the wrong side of sleazy. And so, befitting of a man that looks as if he belongs at a greyhound track, I offer up the following gambling propositions. Perhaps some of them can be addressed by Zach's locks of the week.

Odds of successfully making a new female acquaintance this month - 10:1

Odds of the moustache adversely affecting my year-end review (scheduled for next Wednesday) - 2:1

Over-under on the number of drinks my grandfather will have at Thanksgiving before feeling free to tell me I look like an asshole - 6

Over-under on the number of times I hear the phrase, "That looks disgusting" between now and the end of the month - 12


All praise be to Gamblore.

-Mike

Big Ern's "Full Nelson" Locks of the Week

The full nelson is probably what your girl friend/mistress has you in because we (we're losing money together now, you and I are a "we") lack the courage to bet any underdogs in a league where they're 17-12-3 this season.

We all like betting favorites, after all, they're supposed to win. Unfortunately, they won't win us our 92' yachts.

Therefore, it's time to grow a pair. The week 3 edition of "Locks" features all underdogs:

• Detroit +5 @ Philadelphia
• New York Giants +4 @ Washington
• Dallas +3 @ Bears
  

Record last week: 1-2
Record this year: 2-3

Big Ern's "Shattered Kneecaps" Locks of the Week

Week 1
As we all know, hardwork, thriftiness, and 401k contributions are for suckers. The true path to riches and trophy wives is paved with gambling advice of questionable origins. With that in mind, it is my great pleasure to present the first installment of Big Ern's Locks of the week.

1. Atlanta (+3) @ Minnesota - Can you spell Tavaris Jackson? (Can I?)
2. San Diego (-6) vs. Chicago - This will make more sense after watching Shawn Merriman prancing around after forcing Rex Grossmans 11th sack (and 4th fumble) of the game. Sorry Nate.

Remember kids, don't bet more than you're willing to lie to your significant other/parents about losing.