Big Ern's "Too Tired to Think of a Pun" Locks of the Week

Stupid take-home mid-term...

New England (-17) over MIAMI
Indianapolis (-3) over JACKSONVILLE
Atlanta (+8) vs. NEW ORLEANS

Last week: 1-0-2
This year: 7-7-3

Ed Hochuli is my hero!

Although a USA Today is thrown at my various hotel room doors every morning, I always leave it in the hallway. But, not yesterday. Yesterday, my hero was on the front page (of course he would have a Wikipedia entry).

The USA Today article starts out talking about how Mr. Ed "the weights in his penalty flag are made of pure platinum" Hochuli prepares his crew before game time. Starting on Saturday, he hands out "awards", which are rubber ducks, bears, and plungers, as they go over the film from the previous week's game. Sunday, they make sure things will go smoothly with plenty of pre-game prep.

But, I'm not here to talk about the article.

I'm here to talk about the man, the myth, the "physique".

A recent on-field explanation made by Mr. Hochuli:
"There was no foul on the play, it was not a hold. The Defender was just overpowered."

A comment made last Sunday by Sam Rosen, a Fox TV announcer, about Mr. Hochuli:
"Is it me, or is he just getting bigger?"


There are websites dedicated to Mr. Hochuli:

afraidofedhochuli.blogspot.com - this one is more concerned with football in general, but has one of the quotes I used above...

whatwouldedhochulido.com - created by Jessica McCartney, a 34-year-old Chicago resident. Quote from another article in the sports section of yesterday's USA Today (left side of USA Today link from above, "REF'S PHYSIQUE TURNS HEADS"), "says she couldn't help but notice [Mr.] Hochuli's muscular arms when she watched games."

www.nfl85.com - created by Mr. Hochuli's son. It currently has a message board and a few links, but the site claims in the future it will:
* include updates of Ed's weekly schedule
* include photos
* outline the "Herculean" workout regimen
* take a video tour with Ed of his "crib"
Let's hope the site comes through with its promises.

Also, thanks to the wikipedia page (from above), here is a link to his profile from his law firm (Jones, Skelton & Hochuli, P.L.C.):
Mr. Hochuli's profile

You can e-mail him at - ehochuli at jshfirm dot com

In the USA Today article, it says refs make between "$44,000 to $130,000 a season." Somehow, I doubt Mr. Hochuli is worried about that. Although (also in the article), he says it is much tougher to be a ref than a civil trial lawyer. The pressure of millions of people watching his split second decisions is immense.

To end my post on the great Mr. Hochuli, I will use a quote from "50 True Facts About Ed Hochuli" from whatwouldedhochulido.com:

"Ed Hochuli calculated Pi to the 300th digit and then declared it ENOUGH."

That's just the kind of man he is.....

Big Ern's "Full Nelson" Locks of the Week

The full nelson is probably what your girl friend/mistress has you in because we (we're losing money together now, you and I are a "we") lack the courage to bet any underdogs in a league where they're 17-12-3 this season.

We all like betting favorites, after all, they're supposed to win. Unfortunately, they won't win us our 92' yachts.

Therefore, it's time to grow a pair. The week 3 edition of "Locks" features all underdogs:

• Detroit +5 @ Philadelphia
• New York Giants +4 @ Washington
• Dallas +3 @ Bears
  

Record last week: 1-2
Record this year: 2-3

Coming in From the Cold

It's been years since I've had a professional sports team. In fact, 19 years. Settling down to watch my beloved Broncos, an excited (and only slightly balding) 7-year old Zach thrilled as Elway & Co. went up 10 nothing. I think we all know what happened then.

In the years that followed, like a girl with a gropey step-father, I had a series of torrid flings with whatever team seemed coolest at the time. My time with Young's 49ers and Brady's Patriots was fun while it lasted, but ultimately unrewarding.

However, despite my troubled youth there are things I just won't do. Watching the 2007 season opener, I found myself thinking, "Maybe Peyton Manning isn't so bad. The Colts look awesome this year." Then, like a drunk girl watching the second (and third, and fourth) frat guy enter the darkened room, I asked myself "What am I doing with my life?" I had my bandwagoneer moment of clarity, put back on my metaphoric shirt, and stepped back from the brink. This isn't how I want to live my life.

And so, it is with great pleasure that I re-dedicate myself to the Denver Broncos. To cut-blocking, thin air, and the fantasy football chaos of platooned running backs. To the inevitable shakiness of Jay Cutler, the dreaded corny commentator banter about the altitude, and, just as surely, occasional dissappointment.

I just wish John could have seen this.

-Comments as to what replica jersey I should order are welcome.

The New England Patriots are cheaters...

They are considered by man NFL analysts as the dynasty of the early 00's. They consistently make the playoffs. Do they really have to cheat?

Tom Brady was already named the world's best dressed man in early August by Esquire magazine. Isn't that enough to win?

Or is his coach's terrible cut off inside out sweatshirt style cancel out his wonderful dressing skills?

Either way, Patriots are cheaters.

Big Ern's "Shattered Kneecaps" Locks of the Week

Week 1
As we all know, hardwork, thriftiness, and 401k contributions are for suckers. The true path to riches and trophy wives is paved with gambling advice of questionable origins. With that in mind, it is my great pleasure to present the first installment of Big Ern's Locks of the week.

1. Atlanta (+3) @ Minnesota - Can you spell Tavaris Jackson? (Can I?)
2. San Diego (-6) vs. Chicago - This will make more sense after watching Shawn Merriman prancing around after forcing Rex Grossmans 11th sack (and 4th fumble) of the game. Sorry Nate.

Remember kids, don't bet more than you're willing to lie to your significant other/parents about losing.

Travis Henry's Rhythm Method

I know we've all been busy gathering Michael Vick's low-hanging fruit, but how has no one in our league managed to come up with a Travis Henry-inspired team name? 9 kids with 9 different women? Shawn Kemp wishes he had that kind of potency.

If we can't make this happen, can we honestly consider ourselves offensive louts?