Doctors would never make it in the business world...

On Wednesday, I had a Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty. This means I had my tonsils removed and my uvula reshaped.

The procedure was easy enough. Because I have been wearing a CPAP (used to treat sleep apnea), the surgery was a very simple procedure. It was an out patient surgery that really only took about an hour.

Fast forward to this morning.

I had been eating my applesauce, soup, jello, and ice cream without any issues. In fact, this morning at 6 AM, I got up and ate my applesauce with crushed up drugs without problems. Then about 7:30 AM, I woke up with mouthfuls of blood. I know, pretty gross.

My future wife was kind enough to drive me to an INOVA Access center. To make a long story short, the whole experience was terrible. We waited a while in the reception area (immediately before walking in to the waiting room, I spit out a mouthful of blood). The "customer service" aspect from the receptionist to the "emergency" doctor was very negative. There was only one nurse who seemed like she cared.

In their defense, both of us were somewhat hostile, mainly due to the fact that they didn't seem to be too concerned with me spitting blood into their mini bed pans.

After talking to my ENT, the "emergency" doctor didn't feel comfortable performing some procedure, so they made us drive to the regular hospital. After waiting around for an hour and a half, we finally saw a frustrated ENT. I felt bad for the ENT, because it wasn't her fault we waited so long and she lacked the information and tools to complete her examination in a timely fashion.

My thought throughout this entire process?

Other than being bummed out about having to fork over TWO $100 copays, it is a good thing doctors aren't in the business world. This sort of inefficiency would never be tolerated and put the doctor out of business. Grey's Anatomy is totally fake and the real world of medicine is not a well oiled (Wal-Mart like) supply chain.

My advice to anyone living in the Fairfax County, VA area? Unless you are dying, don't go to the INOVA Access center on Chain Bridge Road. Even if you are dying, if you can make it to the hospital ER, try to hang on just to avoid Dr. Hermes.

I also find it ironic that the whole procedure to get my tonsils removed (approx. 4 hours) took about as long as this morning's debacle.

I'll survive. But, spitting up all that blood this morning did kinda freak me out.
I will leave you with a snippet of what my bathroom sink looked like after I got back from the hospital this afternoon.

Delusional Notre Dame Fans

Stupid is as Stupid Reads

Guess which screen shot is of CNN's U.S. Edition and which is their International Edition.

Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:


If you picked Exhibit A as the CNN international Edition you are correct. If you picked Exhibit A as the CNN U.S. Edition, well, you've probably spent too much reading CNN U.S. Edition. And become retarded.

Big Ern's Totally Scientific Breakdown:
U.S. Page: 29 items, 22 of which are sensational, prurient, or otherwise dumb. The number is that low only becuase I get excited for I am Legend, and iPod Accessories. I also gave the benefit of doubt to the Time quotes, and the CNN Wire, yielding a domestic mongoloid index of 0.76.

International Page: 22 items, only 10 of which stink. International mongoloid index: 0.45.

Popular U.S. News Topics: Steroids, dog fighting, murder, promiscuity, and the antics of primates. (Technically, all of these could be filed under the antics of primates.)

Popular International News Topics: Global warming, international diplomacy, terrorism, and cloned cats (apparently these are a hit everywhere).

The Moral Lesson Herein:
Live in the U.S and want to become famous? Shoot up a dog with steroids then make it fight a gorilla. Consider copulating with the winner and killing the loser.

Live elsewhere and want to become famous? Speak up on global warming or broker a peace between contentious parties. Or make glowing cat clones.

Maybe folks are dumb all over.

Incredibly Involved Reviews of Bic Ballpoints

Every so often the dark fecund morass that is the internet flings forth one of these strange, beautiful flowers: 23 people have posted reviews, some of them incredibly detailed, of the plain bic ballpoint pen.

I just couldn't contain my excitement and went around finding things to write on, like the shopping list on the notice board in our kitchen, the Post-it notes next to the phone, and on my favourite lined A4 pad at the side of my desk.

Link

Quick Reference Guide?

On the flight back last Thursday, I sat in the front row of a smaller plane. From my vantage point, I could see into the cockpit as the pilot and co-pilot were doing their pre-gaming pre-flight procedures.

What caught my attention was the red binder that is partially covered by one of the pilot's arm. That red book was about 4 inches thick and had the words "Quick Reference Guide" on the cover.

It was easily accessible, so it led me to believe that in times of an emergency, the pilots might grab it for help. Is something that large really going to help when a plane is going down? What inch of documentation might have the answer?

Look in the table of contents, you might say. I would bet for a book that is 4 inches thick, the table of contents is at least one quarter of an inch. So, then the pilots waste all their time looking through the table of contents.

So, my point is, don't try to convince me that in the event of an emergency "the bag will not inflate but oxygen is flowing to the mask". We all know everyone is getting high on oxygen while the pilots laugh about how useless thick their "cheat sheet" is. That's probably the first thing they throw out the window as the plane is going down....

Big Ern's "Angry Disbelief at Not Making the Fantasy Football Playoffs" Locks of the Week

Less political snark, more correct picks...

• Giants +3 at Eagles
• Texans +3 vs. Bucs
• Patriots -10.5 vs. Steelers

Last week: 0-3
This year: 17-14-4