As you may have seen by now, Britney Spears loses custody of her children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, at noon on Wednesday. It is (at the time of this writing) Breaking News on CNN.
So, in honor of Britney being a total screw up, I figured I would do a quick comparison in a few categories to determine which parent should have the honor of raising two children who will clearly be messed up no matter what.
| k-Fed | Britney | WINNER | ||
| Upbringing | Parents divorced at age 8. | I think her parents are still together. | Britney | |
| Previous Parenting Experience | Has spread his seed previously…has two other children via Shar Jackon. | Sean and Jayden are her first two children. | Kevin | |
| Parenting skills | Shar claims he is a great dad. | Britney is infamous for a few stunts with her children, including holding one on her lap while driving. She was also ordered by a judge to spend 8 hours a week with a parenting coach. | Kevin - Parenting coach? I didn't even know those existed. How do I get to be one? | |
| Schooling | Dropped out of high school in 9th grade. Later got his GED | Not sure, but I bet she made it past 9th grade. | Britney - but no promises that I'm right. | |
| Hit Songs | Clearly, k-Fed's best song was PopoZão, even though the CD did poorly. Go here for a sample. | In my mind, "...Baby One More Time" was her true classic. | Britney - although Kevin almost wins this category since PopoZão is a slang term for "big ass". | |
| Sports | Participated in a few episodes of WWE's RAW. Rumor has it, people backstage actually liked him. I don't see how the crowd wouldn't want to see him get thrown around a ring. | Accomplished gymnast until the age of 9. | Britney - Being a former gymnast who was always told to be a wrestler, I have to go with Britney. | |
| Movies | Appearance in "You Got Served". | "Crossroads". | Kevin - I didn't see Crossroads, but it could not have been good. | |
| TV | Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, 1 vs. 100, CSI, Las Vegas, various others. | Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, SNL, Will and Grace, CNN, various others. | Kevin - Based on Britney's comment to Tucker Carlson on CNN, I have to give this one to Kevin. | |
| Modeling | The line he modeled at Macy's was the top selling line. | She posed naked while pregnant. | I'm going to call this one a tie since I can't believe people would LIKE looking at k-Fed or a pregnant Britney. | |
| Website | Has flash objects and music playing. | Is allowing fans to name her latest album, but other than that, her web site is terrible. | Kevin - obviously a great category to break the tie and determine who should have custody. |
Obviously, some things I failed to mention that could have helped Britney were her hugely successful music career, Grammy Awards (although she also received a Razzie for worst song and actress and was nominated for some others), record breaking album sales, very popular line of fragrances, and other accomplishments...
But, I didn't want Britney to win my intelligently crafted comparison. So, I agree with the judge. He did the right thing in giving the kids to everyone's favorite backup dancer, k-Fed.
WINNER = k-Fed
P.S. Britney destroys Kevin on GoogleFight...
*edited for elroy*
P.P.S. Britney has won the wikipedia battle. In the midst of her sobs and the sight of her children leaving for K-Fed's trailer, she managed to update her wikipedia page almost immediately. It's pretty amazing that she can do all that HTML while high on whatever she's on.
